My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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