Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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