Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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