you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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