sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
