Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
