we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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