She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
