I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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