you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
