When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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