so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize