I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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