On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
