Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
