I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
