matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The dick lei will go down in squad history
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
