My liver just broke up with me...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
