I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
