i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
