I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
