pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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