wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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