neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
