I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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