I just cut my nipple shaving
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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