I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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