we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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