I'm going to jail i love you
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
