Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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