i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
