Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
