I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
