Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize