I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
