i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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