I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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