I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize