He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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