My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
