I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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