Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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