you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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