we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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