Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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