After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
my liver is dry heaving
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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