Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
