Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
