Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
