woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
