is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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