The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
