Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
