Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
don't judge my taste in strippers
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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