i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
