Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize