life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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