Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
