No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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