He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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