There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize