the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
