...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
