I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
