There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Randomize
