You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
