Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
