Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
