okay pat passed out under dana's car
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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