He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We're too hungover to prance.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
