My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
