omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My ATM looks so different sober.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
where are you?
Hypothermia
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
