Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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