Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
