pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I met the friendliest cop last night
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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